Music as a means to soothe the pain and loss.
Dear Music Lovers!
I have never had a chance to present myself in a proper way.
It has been always about my ensemble, INGUZ-Quartet, INGUZ Artists, it is where I am today….
However, there were preceding years that made me who I am today and what I am doing today.
Why I am writing
One friend of mine, knowing very little of true me, pointed out my mistake of keeping my deep emotions close to myself.
That triggered me to write this little memoire down and to give you some insight into my life, my experience, some of my feelings and passion to sublime music that made me who I am today both, on a stage with my violin and behind the screen.
True music has been always and will be a part of my life.
I think music was around me even before I was born. I had no choice as to convey true music to my daughter, when she was growing.
It is not a surprise there has been no single day without music in my life also. Even now while typing these lines, I am listening to Schubert’s String Quintet, 2nd movement – Adagio. Would you get curious, you are welcomed to klick here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dc3iX7x73JY
This music has ability to put me to such a contemplation that eventually all my body want to speak, such strong expression of mixed feeling it carries on.
How strong we are?
Our life is unimaginable without love, and love has so many shades.
Unfortunately, life holds a portion of pain as well. In my case I keep experiencing both of it in an extended version. Too much love and too much pain.
I used to have the only daughter Anna, whom I called Sunshine from year one, so sparkling she was. That daughter was everything for me, and still is, the love I needed, the reasons to live this life.
That was also time I decided to stop playing music and to do something more essential for my life, in my opinion. When you are young you are able to do drastic changes far much easier. It is this naïveté that makes us so happy and so easy going when we are young, but less as we get matured.
Have I ever regret giving up music? – No, I had never regretted in those days. I was too busy with life’s challenges. However, I remember very well, whenever I was at some concert listening to a good orchestra, and good musicians, that energy of music and artists, that I could get connected to, could make me crying. The same affiliation I had for my daughter. Therefore, I probably could not have both, the daughter and playing violin at the same time.
In 2016 I took the violin in my hands again, after losing my daughter in 2015. She was 22 years old and looking forward to embrace her life.
When we suffer tremendous loss, some other blessings come to us from above to guide us the way forward. In my case it was my partner, who has charged me every day since with his love and energy and who persuaded me to take the violin and to play my love and despair out.
Back to music
Since then the violin and music became my true friends that retrieved me from my deep loss. Since the memories about my daughter lives around me in my life and the only feeling of another happiness or grieve can distract me from the thoughts about her. So strong the connection, the love and the pain has been. Only now this connection, love and expression are present in my music two times more than it was ever before.
I wish you to be happy and to find the true meaning of existence!